That Darn Cat

We have a kitten. He is 7 weeks old. I was reluctant to get one but my kids begged and pleaded and, after weighing up the options, and against my gut instinct, I decided to let them have one. This of course was based on a few conditions, like they clear its litter tray, feed him etc. So far they have kept their side of the bargain, however, this is at the detriment of their chores and other daily activities. I guess they will adjust in time. I thought that having the cat would mean that there is more love and less stress in the house. WRONG! They argue (dare I say it) like cat and dog! I'm going to clean him out", "No I am." I'm feeding him today." "No you're not it's my turn!"  It's bloody worse than ever. I thought it may help to teach them responsibility - wrong again! He is a very loving cat but boy is he boisterous. I'd forgotten just how much hard work cats can be. He is just like Simon's Cat - http://www.youtube.com/user/simonscat?blend=1&ob=4  I have scratches all over my hands, my socks all have holes in and my living room looks like we had Al Qaeda round for tea.

Today he is mostly practising cartwheels.......down the stairs. 

Fine Weather for Ducks (and the Curse of Frank Spencer).

What lovely weather we're having.What a terrible opening to a new blog entry. What a load of old.........(enter your own word of choice).

You see, deep down I am a loving, caring, positive, life-affirming member of society. Taking things completely and effortlessly in my stride. Well I used to be. Now I'm a pathetic, stressed out, warn out, resentful, bitter, miserable old git! In fact I've become a bit of a nutter - and I'm not even old! I'm working on it though. Not becoming old but being positive again.

Yesterday I left for work at 1.55pm. It takes me twenty minutes to walk to work. I had to be there at 2.00pm - so I started off well again. I don't drive and I enjoy the walk as it gives me time to just be, but more importantly, to listen to the media on my iPhone. I am currently listening to the audio book version of Dale Carnegie's 'How to Win Friends and Influence People'. I know a great deal of this already so I'm re-affirming but learning new stuff as I go. I was listening to this yesterday. As I was running through my usual departure routine; which consists of my best impression of Lewis Carol's white rabbit (I'm late, I'm late), remembering halfway down the stairs that I have left something upstairs, going up and getting it and then getting halfway down the stairs and realising that I need to go back up because I have forgotten something else and then repeating the process again when I realise halfway down the stairs that the first thing that I forgot to get was left upstairs when I went to get the second thing that I forgot to get; I stopped for a moment to ponder whether or not I need to take my umbrella. These 'moments' last for quite a while nowadays. I guess that's what happens when you get older - again though, I'm not even old! Anyway, I decided that even though it was only a light drizzle, it would be best to take my umbrella, (actually it's my wife's as she she likes to keep reminding me) just in case and to stop my mother's voice in my head telling me that it's best I take it as this rain is the sort of rain that gets you wet! I tell you what. I am glad that I did (thanks Mom). God must have left the bath running because that was no light drizzle. It was a tempest! I struggled and fought against the wind as the rain attempted to force me into submission, like a cheesy Saturday morning wrestler. That mistral must have been trying to block out its own mother's voice because it was trying to take the brolly from my kung-fu grip. It was no match for me. I battled against the forces of nature and arose triumphant. Like a great warrior who has returned from slaying the mighty beast, I basked in my glory! It was short lived however as the wind was a poor loser and it childishly turned my umbrella inside out, pulled me along for about four yards, lifted me up and dropped me right in the middle of a puddle! I say puddle, it was more like a flipping pond! With my left left leg wet to the knee, I continued  the last five minutes of my journey like a bedraggled John Cleese in 'Clockwork', or Jeffrey Jones in 'Ferris Bueller's Day Off' (cue Oh Yeah by Yella) before reaching my final destination. My luck is a perfectionist because that's when the sun started to smile at me. What perfect timing.

My left shoe squelched for the remainder of that 9 hour shift..

I must have the curse of Frank Spencer as my pc deleted all my words as soon as I had finished typing so I had to start over. Then, just as I corrected it all, the sliding shelf that my keyboard sits on, fell from its runners and spilt cold tea on my crotch. Now I look like I have wet my pants. And I'm not even old!

Run Away

Today I am angry. Why? Don't ask! Truth is, I really haven't got a clue. My wife and kids are getting on my nerves (no not Damon Wayans). They haven't done anything wrong, nor have they done anything any different to any other day. I'm just feeling angry. I guess you could say that it's my time of the month to be grouchy - the rest of the time is reserved for the wife! Don't get me wrong, I love her dearly, and she's a good person but sometimes I do feel like making her to drive to the top of Amersham Hill and severing her brakes! No of course I wouldn't do that. But she is a bitch! Self proclaimed too. To protect her identity (and my testicles) I shall refer to her only as N. That makes her sound all mysterious (well she's a bloody mystery to me), like a character from James Bond, which will please her as she's a fan.

I'm currently hiding away in our room, hiding from her friends. They seem to appear from nowhere, like those young guys in suits with the Jesus badges. I think that's what has pissed me off the most. You don't see or hear anything from these people for what seems like an age, then without warning, like a fart during a shag, they 'slip out' and ruin your plans, but you're expected to keep going even though they suck up all the oxygen in the room and make you want to gag!

Okay maybe I'm exaggerating a little - I'm married, I don't shag any more! That's just a distant dream!

I've only got a few hours until work and all I wanted was to chill out before I had to leave, instead I'm now being enticed away from my sulking and I'm now straining to eavesdrop on what they are saying, trying to get an insight in what women really talk about when they are together. But I get nothing except, "No, he didn't?", "She should know that you don't wear red and pink when you're a GINGER" and "Yes I would love to try lesbian sex with you!" Okay I lied about that last one. Come to think of it I don't feel angry any more either. Now where did I put those tissues?

Introducing.......who?

I don't read. Well I do, but I'm not a big reader, although I am a big guy (easy ladies)! I don't read for these reasons:-

1)  I have very little spare time to read - so much of my spare time is spent sitting around complaining that I have no spare time to anything - like maybe read.

2) I'm too stressed about the lack of spare time that I have that it inhibits my ability to read.

3) There really aren't that many books that grab my attention.

That said, there are a few notable ones - books that I couldn't put down. The Dark Half and Gerald's Game by Stephen King, The only way to stop smoking permanently by Allen Carr (not that ugly bloke off the telly), most Richard Layman books, some self help books, To Kill A Mockingbird and my current all-time favourite, Dad Rules by Andrew Clover. The latter being the book that has prompted me to write and share my feelings. 

Don't worry this is not going to be a book review, more a life review. It's going to be truthful and gritty and most likely, will have some depravity thrown in for good measure. I'll ask questions about my life, your life, life in general. It may make you sad, angry, happy, confused or indifferent (which is usually the case), but above all - I hope - it will be entertaining. 

I will not let out any info to begin with. I find drip feeding is a much worthier method. 

Consider this my diary if you will. Then consider psychological help! Happy reading.